Transition to Mortality

       I have been living too long under the assumption that I will be rich and I will live forever. Out of (desperation? stagnation? disillusionment?) I have noticed a transition in myself toward the belief, or at least the desire to pretend I believe, that I will continue to be poor, unless I begin to act differently, and that I will die after a normal lifespan.

     This can be to my advantage. When I was immortal, I was in no rush - I could learn Gaelic and Chinese, and read every book in the library.  Now that I am again mortal, I must choose. I will not learn Gaelic and I will have to choose wisely the books I will read in my alloted time. No longer can I say "someday, someday, someday" but must act decisively if things are to change.

     So what's wrong in my life? Just that I use "some day" way too much. It's time to force the issue - to live with intention and direction - to light the dynamite. True, I am once again looking for a job, and I am once again casting my net wide. But this is a step, and a step in any direction is good.

Should I recycle this?

A napkin fell on the ground. Should I throw it away? For a moment my mind tried to glimpse the process that brought it to me. I pictured a tree, then loud buzzing, pounding, and a flake of usefulness flutters down to me. I pick up the napkin and put it back on the pile of napkins, out of thanks to the tree.

It's okay, it is okay, if the sacrifice gives my life a little usefulness. A little doubt comes, as to whether my life as a whole is useful to... whatever...

I push it out of my head ans carry on.

Dream Gathering

Liminal

There is always looking into it - not wanting to plunge in, but to walk in and come back, and the next day walk in a little further.

The solstice is coming. This year isn't going to work for me. Maybe next year.

Maybe next year.
Maybe next year.
Maybe next year.

spring cleaning

I realize that I have been being selfish - that since I left Facebook, and  because no one reads this blog - I have been keeping these thoughts all to myself. Well? Where to begin...

I feel that there is a log jam in here, and I would really like to clean it out. I have been cleaning out my "to-do" list ever since my semester petered out last Wednesday when my last student took his last final. One of the things on my list is to take this list out of my head and put it on these little, 3x5 cards that I used to carry around.

I have done about 50 things in the last several days, which were all taking up space in my head, and now I feel like there's  a little more room to move and... innovate.

My reader may notice that this is entitled "spring cleaning" and we are fast approaching the Solstice (which is mid-summer by my reckoning). Well, I procrastinate. Or as I should say "The moving average of my behavior indicates over-optimistic estimations of times of completion" - so as not to prescribe that this is "how I am (deal with it)".

Nihilism

I am starting this book: The Self-Overcoming of Nihilism by Nishitani Keiji. I picked it up in the Eastern Philosophy section and was surprised to see Neitzche and Dostoevsky and Stirner. Well I liked what I read enough to buy the book. I was validated to see that this was practically required reading for philosophy students in Japan. I do have an eye for quality.

Without having read more than part of the introduction I am remembering how I thought Nihilism was a developmentally appropriate philosophy for adolescents and young men and women. I felt that once a young person destroyed everything they had inherited, they should build up a new world for themselves.

I still see it essentially the same. But I also had this thought that maybe a bit of that destructive energy should be carried forth into adulthood to retard the ossification of blah bla blah

I would also like to retain more f what I read. Maybe give to you a book report as I go? Blogging regularly might help that.

Crazy me make less too. Are good.