My criminal record

Ha ha! I'm not going to tell you. You have to pay someone $39.95 to let you know which laws I've broken. But you'd better act quickly, because my record will soon go away. The things there are so old, so minor, or I am so rehabilitated, that they're letting me delete everything!

If you ask me in person, I will tell you, but out of earshot of your son or daughter. I am trying really hard to be a stable, respectable, and productive member of society and I don't want to give anyone any ideas...