post consumed sonora blues

i hate the world i hate the world i hate the world.

i am having a bad day, and it gets worse. i am not codepedent (i don't think) ...

why do our exes have such power to infuriate us? i do not know, i am trying to purge this so i can get on with my life.

i am spread so thin. i am living at several people's houses at once and i don't know where i am staying tonight. i am going to try to be a tutor here in sonora and i will do ZERO editing of my online life. it was difficult enough to get my own self here.

three gangsta bitches... (is that the right term?) anyway, they are not "bitches" in the sense that they are mean or anything... anyway, i am going to live over there and i hope they don't all become my girlfriend(s)...

i am doing pretty well, i think.

w22n51 BSOD

If you got this BSOD it is because you are using an outdated driver for your Intel 2200bg wireless card. Go to the Intel website and download the driver there. It works like a charm. It took me a while to figure that out because the Gateway site had the old driver and I was assuming that they had the right one. They didn't.

True and Proper

 note: this blog was a draft from a long time ago which was for some reason unpublished.



There is no predetermined harmony between truth and human well-being.

--Nietzche(?)

This sentence struck me because up until then I did not realize that I expected the universe to be kind. That was fourteen years ago and a notion I have thoroughly integrated. It came to mind again when reading about other peoples' thoughts on God. The term "omnibenevolence" came up more than once and while initially puzzled, I realized these people believed the God was on their side. It's the same error behind the question "If there is a God then why is there pain in suffering in the world?"

Rust and Dust

I am gradually accumulating power. I am going to trial next week (I am innocent) and then I will send my car out to get fixed and order a more powerful computer and  a kitchen timer and a phone. You see, I  have ambition, but there is too much friction to getting things done. I spent probably an hour today looking for one little phone number so I could make one little phone call...

I am being manic, which entails getting ideas in my head about accomplishing all sorts of little tasks.

I am blogging! Nothing really important to say, but here I am.

Should I buy a set of Safari Cards? I tried to order them when I was, like, in the third grade. I really wanted the little jade elephant pendant and I imagined how cool I would be wearing that little pendant around. Well the people at Recontre must have lost my order or something because I never got anything in the mail. I remember vaguely waiting for years - forgetting about it and then remembering and wondering if that little jade elephant would come.

Well there it is: a complete set on eBay - or at least 2094 cards. That is the most complete set I've seen and I wonder if I got it if I would somehow feel complete, like that little wounded me would somehow be made whole. I will let you know if I purchased them.

Rings of Saturn

I saw the rings of Saturn!! Right there in my little telescope it looked just like a little, tiny Saturn. Like a good scientist, I checked out a star afterward to make sure it was the shape I was seeing and not blurriness, smudge on the lens, or whatever. I focused in on Arcturus and sure enough, it was a little point. The back to Saturn, and in to get the family to share my joy.

This was almost as cool as the moons of Jupiter, but not quite

Transition to Mortality

       I have been living too long under the assumption that I will be rich and I will live forever. Out of (desperation? stagnation? disillusionment?) I have noticed a transition in myself toward the belief, or at least the desire to pretend I believe, that I will continue to be poor, unless I begin to act differently, and that I will die after a normal lifespan.

     This can be to my advantage. When I was immortal, I was in no rush - I could learn Gaelic and Chinese, and read every book in the library.  Now that I am again mortal, I must choose. I will not learn Gaelic and I will have to choose wisely the books I will read in my alloted time. No longer can I say "someday, someday, someday" but must act decisively if things are to change.

     So what's wrong in my life? Just that I use "some day" way too much. It's time to force the issue - to live with intention and direction - to light the dynamite. True, I am once again looking for a job, and I am once again casting my net wide. But this is a step, and a step in any direction is good.

Should I recycle this?

A napkin fell on the ground. Should I throw it away? For a moment my mind tried to glimpse the process that brought it to me. I pictured a tree, then loud buzzing, pounding, and a flake of usefulness flutters down to me. I pick up the napkin and put it back on the pile of napkins, out of thanks to the tree.

It's okay, it is okay, if the sacrifice gives my life a little usefulness. A little doubt comes, as to whether my life as a whole is useful to... whatever...

I push it out of my head ans carry on.